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You will wonder why my blog often has a new layout while I don't often update my posts. HAHA. Lame erh? You see, this girl is always enjoying creating/modifying new layouts as a fun experience for herself! But I do update my blog once in a while!

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Icon: LJ/sixthmile
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Inspiration: DayBefore!Misery
Past and Present
Written on: Friday, January 26, 2007
Time: 11:34 PM

Well, even though there are some secrets and ugly parts in the past which my parents told me it had happened during the time when I was a very young girl, many years had past by and even though I'm not as close to my father's family side as my mother's family side, I'll still try to understand my dad's side as much as I can.

Yet, when I want to do it, a barrier is preventing me from doing it, I do not know why. Perhaps the past still bother me? And as well as my father's darkest secrets? Sigh, sometimes I really wish to know if they really love me as part of the family members or was it just because its for the "sake" of their brother so they will just do it for his only one and hearing impaired daughter? When my parents told me of the past, it really hurts my heart so much, I cried and cried. My father even cried after telling me. It really hurts him and me. To think that when I didn't know the truth, I was like, putting so much trust and love towards them and now that the past came to my life, my trust in them shattered and I really could no longer decide whether to trust and love them anymore. I know that whats in the past has already happened but for now, the relationship between me and them are still not that close. For my grandparents.... especially my grandmother....when I heard about one incident that involved her in the past, I was really heartbroken. Is it really true that my grandmother did such a thing? Why? Why do this? Is there a FREAKING DAMNED PROBLEM with it?? This is not fair.

Well, this is my blog and this is like a diary to me so don't you mind.

I can't believe it... before I know the truth, I always think that I'm one of my grandmother's favourite grandchildren, the way she treated me such as cooking one of my favourite dishes or whatever but after learning the past, my trust in her kind of vanished....

On my dad's side, all of them are well-educated and most of them are university graduated. My father was the only odd one. He stopped after finishing secondary school, not that he hated study but well, different people have different thinking. To him, its not important to be a university graduate. In the past, before we F7 were born, finishing secondary school as in finishing your JC or Poly level, was allowed, for that time. But now, of course not, its a must that you have to continue after finishing secondary school. Then one day, all his siblings joined the christianity except him. To him, whats so important to be a christian? Its just a religion stuff. His siblings thought that its great to be a christian, with all these jesus thing and loving lord and be good people and all. And because of that, it also brought their sibling relationships closer to one another and not my father. Even though my father had an only brother among the six beside the four sisters, they were not a close brother relationship. That, I dunno the reason but I don't wanna ask in case the reason might hurt him. Then, came the marriage. They all got married, my dad too. Then I was born.

As my father was not as rich as his siblings, so when my grandmother had to look after me as both of my parents worked, one day, she made my father boiled in anger and left the house to move to a new place to stay on our own, because she did not want to look after me, after finding out that my father could not provide her to her expectation. What the hell? Just because of that, she don't want to look after me! And because of that, my mother had to quit her job and took over. So when I'm all grown-up, and new cousins are born, wau lau, my grandmother want to look after them just because my father's siblings could provide better service for her. When my father told me about it, he said "At that time, that very fateful day, I will never forget it and will not forgive my mother for that"

And whenever my parents need help, for example, they just simply give them some piece of exam sheets for me to do as to improve my studies. My father was like "Bullshit. So what? I can afford that exam pieces! They are easy to buy, they are everywhere. When your other uncles and aunties need help, wah, the rest really want to help out and really help out more than they help us, they are more sincere to others than to us. What is this??"

God, I can feel so much discrimination....

There are still some more secrets.... but I don't want to go on anymore.....

When I was little, I was been "treated" like that, and now that I'm grown-up, things change and they "change" too. Even the treatment is different. The way my grandmother treat me now, was different from what I heard the way she treated me when I was younger. Why? Is she doing the way a good grandmother should be just because I'm growing up now? As if I can look after myself?

The changes seems... weird to me.... my heart was in all mixed feeling now..... even now, I really do not know whether to love them or not even though they are still my relatives and grandparents... blood is thicker than water... .although I somehow love them, I still somehow hate them for the past. And as well as the way my father was been treated. My father had a miserable childhood. Even now when I'm typing this, I feel like crying again but I'm trying to control it.... family should care for one another, not be bothered about one's background. So what if you are a graduate? So what if you are rich? So what if you are poor? Whats the PROBLEM with it???

I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel most sorry for my father. Anyway, there is this cruel thinking in my mind. I really hate to think it but this might be just an initial act of anger.... you see, this is what I think: When I grow up, I'm gonna work hard for myself and for my parents. So whenever my uncles/aunties need help from us, bleah, I'll do just the same as they did to us in the past! You treat us like that, so why should I help? This is what its called revenge!

Sorry if its scaring you. I know it sounds stupid but like I said, this is what I thought of for a while after learning of the past... but who knows, in the future, it won't be like that anymore....maybe I'll still continue to love them with all my heart no matter what... this is how family love comes all about! (^_^) My cousins had got nothing to do with it. I love them much more than the uncles/aunties.

Forgiving the person is forgiving yourself because by forgiving the person despite his actions, you are also forgiving yourself for hating him or whatever emotions you got.... thats what I think..... LOL!

Oh well, will see them this Sunday! =D